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THE ELUSIVE GIFT OF
TRAGEDY |
Chapter
Seventeen
Grief Grows Like a Weeping Willow
Can Grief Be an Addiction?
About a week before my nephew’s wedding, I was again on the boat, alone and crying. The boat had become my sanctuary to grieve for John. The last time I held my son was at my wedding in May when we danced to the song: You Are the Sunshine of My Life. I was worried I would break down and cry when my nephew danced with his mom at his upcoming wedding, bringing back this memory of my last dance with John. I decided to think about the upcoming event and just cry it out so I would be fine and not cry at the wedding.
In fact, I was making myself sick over it, and was obsessed with the thought of breaking down at my nephew’s wedding. Every chance I got, I’d go to the boat and play a song that would make me cry. On a gloomy day just before the wedding, I was on the boat crying and I heard John’s voice as clear as day, saying very loudly, “WILL YOU JUST TAP.” I heard this with my human ears and the sheer volume startled me.
Of course, I teach people to tap but never even thought of using it for my situation. I am the queen of denial but decided to give it a try. I began with, “I deeply and completely accept myself even if I am afraid I will cry it at the wedding when Diane dances with her son.” Instantly the pain was gone and I was absolutely fine. What a surprise! That must mean this tapping works for me, too, I thought. What do you know? I will never stop being amazed at how much we humans love pain and suffering. I teach tapping every day and yet I can’t even remember to do it for myself. Don’t I feel like the drama queen now?
Of course, as the moment
approached at the wedding, my daughters were hovering close by in case
they needed to hide me, but I did great. I was amazed, grateful and
thrilled as all of the other wedding guests applauded at seeing the
“Mother and Son” dance.
When I was alone in the afternoons after a day of seeing clients, I
would often think about John, put on a video of the funeral and just
cry. One particular day, I had some filing to do in my office, so I
decided to combine crying and mourning with filing. I poured a glass of
wine and pulled out all the DVDs of John that brought on the tears, but
not a single DVD would work. I began to get really frustrated as one DVD
after another failed to play.
Finally, I got to the last DVD, which covered the last year of his life and it included a clip of a practice session with his sister for an audition for the Suncoast Casino and Hotel. They hated it when I filmed them and told me, “Don’t you dare.” I said fine and went upstairs. At the top of the stairs, I lay on the floor and filmed through the banister. I was sure I was well hidden but John saw me and yelled in his angry booming Italian voice, “TURN THE F***ING THING OFF,” which I promptly did.
I put this last DVD into the computer and for no reason, it began playing at exactly the spot when he yelled: “TURN THE F***ING THING OFF.” I restarted the DVD but the same thing happened. After the fourth time of the same command, I cracked up laughing. I realized John was controlling the computer and was telling me to turn it off. He didn’t want me to watch anything that made me sad and was letting me know I was addicted to crying, mourning and grieving.
I understood instantly how we
become addicted to a vibration of an emotion. Grief was like candy for
me and I knew it, so this insight was the biggest “Aha” I’d had in a
long time about a vibration. I realized we become addicted to such
vibrations as blame, anger, sadness, fear and self-loathing. My
addiction was grief and he was teaching me this through the computer. I
put on some happy music and filed away. However I did finish the wine
and did it in joy and not in sadness. This realization helped me a great
deal in my sessions with Emotional Freedom Techniques. “Even if I am
addicted to blame, fear or whatever” was always added whenever I sensed
the vibration was an actual addiction. Blame often pops up, especially
when the program of being a victim is deeply embedded in the
subconscious. For a quick five minute demonstration of exactly how this
works, you can just go to my website and click on the bar that says,
“Learn emotional tapping techniques.”
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Table of Contents
Click on any underlined chapter title to see the excerpt from that chapter - or use the next & previous links at the bottom of each excerpt.
Foreword
by Tony StubbsSection One: The Threads That Bind Our Tender Souls
1. The Other Side of the Tapestry
2. John Jr. Enters into Separation
3. The Divorce – The First Cut Is the Deepest
4. Key Players are Woven into the Tapestry
5. Adolescence Arrives in All Its Glory
6. September 11, 2001, New York
7. My Purpose Becomes Clear
8. More Lessons for John
9. 2004: We Discover the Healing Power of Sound
10. Nine Months Remain - A Reverse Pregnancy
11. So Much to Be Experienced in So Little Time
12. The Blessed Mother Prepares Me
13. The Final Touches of a LifeSection Two: Focal Point of the Tapestry
14. A New Form Is Taken
15. The Shock Is Over; the Grief Begins
16. Communications Across the Veil
17. Grief Grows Like a Weeping Willow
18. Death Knocks Again
19. My Camera Pierces the Veil
20. Pre-Birth Planning
21. My Gift from John - The Pink Ball of Light
22. The Revelations of the Tapestry
Afterward
· Statistics 2004: Death by Overdose
· References
· End NoteAppendices:
A. Mother Mary Channel
B. Thought Field Therapy
C. Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)
D. Emotional Sound Technique (EST)
E. The AIM Program
F. The Tragic Consequences of Drugging Our Children
G. Photo Gallery